For they shall be comforted

So many people struggle with infertility.  It is a disease and the stress  that it causes has been compared to the stress that comes with going through cancer (studies have shown).  Infertility can't kill you...but I feel like, it can in a way kill parts of you, if you let it.   It is an extremely hard thing to understand.  I cannot think of a more righteous desire than to bring children into this world and love and care for them, to teach them about our Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ.  To learn selflessness by turning our thoughts to our kids and taking care of their every need. But yet, many women struggle with bearing children.
I read an amazing book several weeks ago that is helping me get through this hard time.  It's called "For they shall be comforted" and is about grieving the loss of a child.  It is excellent for both women who have gone through still born births and miscarriages,  and others who want to understand how to help them during that time.

I have been feeling like I want to share my experience and feelings for many reasons: 1) just to get them out and help me in my healing process 2) To open others eyes to understand more what it is like so they can comfort others going thru it 3) for others who have gone through it and need re-assurance their feelings are normal.  This book did that for me.

My first 3 miscarriages were hard.  Each one took a little longer to get over, but I got over them with some time and some effort.  The 3rd one did take a bit longer, but I was able to let go and forge ahead.  With the first 3 I did not feel angry at other women who were pregnant, or resent them or their pregnant bellies.  I felt blessed to still be able to be around people who were pregnant and not have hard feelings towards them.  I was able to with some effort still feel happy inside and know that all would work out. I did not lose faith that my Father in Heaven had a plan for me.

That all changed with this 4th miscarriage.  My feelings were very different and I felt very different.  Initailly I tried to suppress feelings I had and put on a good face.  That didn't work very well.  My trip to Erupope was amazing, but I still had to come home...I had to remember all the hurt I was feeling, I had to face life again.  And life was horribly dark.  I felt I was living inside a violent storm while it looked like everyone else was enjoying sunshine all around them.  I felt like Heavenly Father had betrayed me.  I had prayed all day long, everyday I was pregnant.  I pled with Him not to let me lose this one, not to take this one away.  I did not cease to pray.  Yet I still lost the pregnancy.  I felt my Heavenly Father had abandoned me and for some reason had not listened to my prayers.  I also felt a little hopeless that next time would be different.  How could I possibly pray any harder the next time...why would it turn out differently than previous times.  These are all questions that because of my faith I "knew" the answers to.  But knowing the answers and believing the answers are 2 different things and did not stop me from feeling that way.
 I felt pain everywhere.  Every pregnant woman I saw reminded me of my loss, and  made me feel like life was going on all around me, just not for me...for me life was at a stand still, and I was being left behind.  And it hurt.  It hurt in a way I cannot describe, a physical pain in my heart.  Hearing friends talk about how far apart they want their kids to be, or when they would want another child, or what season their baby would be born in, or whether they wanted a boy or girl next made me feel angry and bitter.  Bitter that they had a say when their next child would come, bitter that they did not understand how cruel they were being to me.  Bitter that Heavenly Father gave me this trial.  I started to avoid my friends who were pregnant and due around the same time as me...it just hurt too badly to see them and know they still have the beautiful life inside them, while mine was taken away.  I was not able to tell friends who were recently pregnant "congratulations"  I missed baby showers b/c I could not bear to go, and started to avoid groups of girls b/c I knew inevitably what the topic of conversation would be.  Church was unbearable.  I cried every Sunday looking around and seeing all my pregnant friends in one room....all happy. All still pregnant.  I had to leave in tears during church talks that had anything to do with family, or blessings, or Heavenly Father's plan for His children b/c I honestly felt gypped!

I had all these feelings I had never had before.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't stop them from coming.  That I couldn't just snap out of it. I just did not feel like myself at all and it was embarrassing...I didn't want others to see me that way.

This wonderful book I read helped me to see and understand these feelings were perfectly normal.  I had experienced a hard loss and was going through the grieving process.  And I needed to grieve.  I needed to give myself time and not rush my feelings and emotions. I needed to understand it was ok to feel angry and bitter, and hopeless, and defeated. That the process just takes time..time that is different for each person.  For me I realized I needed to shut certain things out for a bit..until I felt better (i.e. Facebook, blogs, etc).  And so I did.  And through time, time and the beautiful blessing of having a Savior who can literally take away our pain and sorrow, I feel so much better.  I am healing.  I see the sunshine again through the clouds.  Let me just say, it feels good to feel good!!

I am so blessed to have the best of friends.  They have been understanding and sensitive to me.  I think they best thing to do for someone when something like this happens is just to let them know you love them and are there for them when they need you...and to be patient until they are "ready" to re-enter life again.  My friends have done that for me.  I hope I haven't offended anyone in expressing my thoughts..my intention is only to let others be aware so they can be sensitive.

(After reading this I want to make sure people know I don't expect or even want them to not talk about being pregnant around me...shoot if I were prego that is ALL I would talk about. More to understand maybe why I (or anyone else doesn't join in, or maybe leaves the conversation)  That's all:) )