Our "Wait"

I have been wanting to sit down and write my experience w/ our miracle pregnancy for some time while it's still fresh in my head.  Every time I sit and think about all the experiences, tears, prayers, fasts, etc that went into having this baby it is too overwhelming and I give up writing it down.  But I know I will want and need to look back on this and "remember" the Lord's hand in this, and in all I do in life.

In April 2012 I had my 4th miscarriage. I won't spend time again talking about it, I will only say this…I am just now starting to see the ways the Lord helped me grow during that horrible trial, and finally am seeing some understanding as to some of my "whys" I pleaded w/ the Lord to know.  In May 2012 a month after my miscarriage another very hard trial hit us.  I was still feeling very spiritually weak and hurting and I sincerely wondered where the Lord was and why I felt he had dropped so much on my plate and then abandoned me in my time of need.  In May Jon also left to work for the summer as a Vivent manager selling alarms in California.  I remember those first several weeks being very dark and lonely.  If it had not been for a couple priesthood blessings from my dad and a few husbands of dear friends, and prayers of many I don't know if I would have pulled through.  I can honestly say that.

It is interesting to me now looking back my decision not to go out w/ Jon that summer.  I had always left with him while he sold in various states for the last several years, this as summer approached that year I had a strong desire to stay home.  So we decided Jon would fly home once a month for a weekend here and there and I would visit him in California several months that summer.  And we would make it work.   This was a decision made before the miscarriage.  In mid June that summer as I slowly began the healing process in many different aspects of life our ward split. (the boundaries for our church group)  I had been serving in young women's as a counselor, which was quite time consuming and was a bit relieved to have been released by the split.  I remember thinking, "this will give me time to myself…time I need to think and ponder and be strengthened."   Funny how the Lord often sees things a little differently.

2 weeks after the new ward was formed I was called into the bishops office.  I knew I was going to receive a calling, since they were starting a ward from scratch.  I went in with a prompting of what I was about to be called as, hoping desperately at the same time that I was not right.  The Bishop talked with me for a bit and then extended a calling to me to serve as the new relief society president of the newly formed ward.  I didn't fall off my chair, or almost pass out.  I began to cry.  I told him the trials I was facing in my life at that time and he listened and cried with me too.  At the end I accepted the calling and left his office feeling very numb.  I wondered how was I suppose to support and lift up the women in this new ward when I was the one needing support and lifting up?  How could I do this on my own this summer w/ a husband gone?  I didn't know how it would work, but I had faith it was the Lord who called me and I would somehow be ok.  I will never forget sacrament meeting that day as the Bishop called my name to sustain me he cried.  And I knew and felt that he "understood" the burdens I was facing and what that meant to me.  It was a sweet experience.

That summer was a blur.  Counselors were called and we put our heads down, dug our heels in, and went to work.  With a brand new ward there was plenty to do and little time to myself.  I felt as if I was working full time…with one difference.  I loved it!  It was the most rewarding full time job ever.  Serving the girls around me helped me forget my sorrows and helped me in my own healing.  And as the summer came to a close and Jon came home I felt like I was ready to begin trying again for another baby.  So a visit to my fertility specialist was made and the process began again.  Drugs, shots, money out the door.  In my mind I selfishly thought, "The Lord will bless me for accepting this calling and we will get pregnant soon!"

But that did not happen.  Month after month I dealt with the pain of a negative pregnancy test.  After all that work, all the emotion that would go into trying to get pregnant the negative test would really take a toll on me.  Near the end of that year we decided that method we were trying just wasn't working anymore and we would have to try artificial insemination.  This was a scary thought for me because clomid had worked so well to get pregnant with Brenton.  Insemination meant one step closer to the last possible resort in getting pregnant. IVF.  But we forged ahead with confidence it would work for us.
For me time was of the essence.  Brenton would be turning 4 soon, the life as I planned it needed to get going, I needed another baby ASAP.  It was a righteous desire and I felt the Lord would agree as well. After a few heart wrenching rounds of IUI and with no success and no pregnancy I began to stop and to think and pray.  Something I failed to do before because in my mind there was no need…of course I needed another baby, and of course Heavenly Father would know that.  But as I humbled my heart and began to seek the Lord's guidance I felt that this just was not the time and I needed to stop trying.  This for me was the scariest thought I could have had.  It meant giving up MY dreams, My life hopes and expectations.  And placing them in the Lords hands with an understanding He would take care of me.  But also with the knowledge that baby that I knew in my heart would come some time, may not come for months and months, maybe years.  I had to let myself accept that and stop trying to take control of my eternal life plans.

Scared, and a bit let down I handed over my anxiety to the Lord.  Again I put my head down and just began to work hard in my calling and focus on that.  I felt that the Lord would let me know again when the time was right to begin trying.  Months passed.  I hadn't given up hope, but I had given up my death grip on getting pregnant.  I was striving to rely on the Lord and walk into the darkness.  One evening in May I could tell I was about to ovulate….something I don't normally do on my own and a reason it's hard for me to get pregnant.  I quickly took an ovulation test that confirmed I would be ovulating soon. Trying not to get my hopes up but not wanting to miss an opportunity if the Lord was giving me one we tried to get pregnant.  I told myself this again would probably not work since I didn't want to be devastated again.  So I went about life betting that this time would not work and that would be ok.

14 days later though when I had not started my period I began to wonder if I really truly could be pregnant.  I took 2 tests that came out negative.  Broken hearted again I tried to push my feelings aside and get on with things.  But when I still hadn't started a week later I took another test and it was indeed positive!!!   I could not believe what I was looking at.  I was going to have a baby!!!
In my prayers as I began pouring out my thanks to the Lord for this miracle I could feel the Lord saying to me, "I have always been watching over you"  I knew that he wanted me to know and to not doubt that this was His divine doing.  A miracle for me to witness.

And in 9 short weeks our little miracle will be entering the world.  Words cannot describe my anticipation.  Our wait is over.